Saying Good-bye to Fertility
I have always known that my fertility has been a gift. We’ve had so many friends who have struggled to get pregnant through the years. It wasn't until we entered into the season of life when everyone we knew started to grow their families that I ever saw the heartbreak of infertility around me.
Suddenly I was painfully aware of all the times I had wrongfully assumed people were waiting to have children to pursue other things or only wanted one child for whatever their reason. What ignorance on my part.
There is so often a back story to waiting, one child, or none — infertility.
It hurt my heart so much to see my friends go through the agony of giving birth to a child in their heart, but not through their womb. The picture of the child they hoped for was in their arms mentally, but not physically.
We’ve been blessed to never struggle with infertility. So why is a mom of five writing about infertility?
Maybe I don’t have the right to put my struggle down on paper — even digital paper. I’ve never had to experience the inability to get pregnant. When my husband was done having kids after our first two boys, I felt a twinge of how infertility might feel. Although I was capable of getting pregnant, I was still unable. (I wrote about that story here.)
Well, in a few days it’s final.
I’m facing the reality of never again being able to carry a child again. You kind of need a uterus to do so, and mine is being removed.
Coming to terms with this has been hard for me in so many ways. Yes, I’m an “old” mom. But I’m still capable of having more. I’ve always wanted to have more. I do know I’m blessed by the five wonderful children I have.
I had surrendered my womb to God. I told Him that if He kept changing my husband’s heart, I would endure the hard months of morning sickness and have as many babies as He wanted me to have.
So, what now?
Permanent infertility.
I think because I had given this area to the Lord I really thought it was more about my husband saying yes than about the Lord saying no.
As I felt myself sinking into the pain of the finality ahead I heard the Lord whisper, “You’ve given me your womb, but will you let me take it.”
Tears — then surrender.
If you have struggled with infertility, I sincerely hope you know that I do not for a moment pretend to fully understand your pain. However, there is still pain in the hoping for a child who will never be a reality — physically fertile or not.
I have cried with so many moms through the years who have felt like I did back when I was praying for my third. It’s hard to get a “no” when you ache for a “yes” whether pleading with the Lord or your spouse.
I have peace, on most days about my upcoming surgery. As the date nears, I get more nervous. What is so funny is that I felt the most depressed as I had my last period. Why would I ever miss a period? Strange.
Like in so many things, I’m clinging to the joy I have in the Lord. Knowing that He is working all things together for my good. (Romans 8:28)
I actually feel like He may be opening the door to adoption in the future. I don’t know. Having my uterus didn’t mean we’d have more kids any more than having my uterus removed means we’ll adopt. But I cling to the fact that adoption is a beautiful way to have more children.
We were adopted after all — adopted into God’s family.
I’m not sure how my story will end at this point. I do know that another biological child is not in my future. I’m allowing God to fill me with His peace and joy as I focus on the truth that He is a good Father and has given me so many blessings for which I am so grateful.
However, my lesson in all this has been surrender. Accepting the “no.” Receiving His plan that is only revealed one day at a time is enough for me. I’m not promised His plan for tomorrow. I’m only given my manna for today.
“For the joy of the Lord is your strength.”
Nehemiah 8:10b
[Tweet “”I’m not promised His plan for tomorrow. I’m only given my manna for today.” @kristiclover”]
*UPDATE: My surgery on Nov. 4th went well. I'm finally home and recovering! Thanks for all your prayers and well wishes!*
If you’d like to see the first part of this story, you can watch this video my daughter and I made after being diagnosed with my “polka dot” problem.
Marcia Furrow says
October 27, 2015 at 7:04 amA woman who was in her 60’s, facing a hysterectomy, told me that it was the most traumatic decision she had ever made. She felt like she was surrendering the very thing that made her feminine, that made her a woman, that fulfilled her. She knew she’d never have more children, with or without her uterus, but her uterus was a precious identifier of her potential. I’m sure this was not an easy decision for you, however, your perspective as a Christian woman is a loving testimony of your trust in our trustworthy God. He loves us. He loved us while we were sinners and showed that love by dying for us. Our circumstances don’t define his love for us. His love for us defines our circumstances. Praying for an uneventful surgery, wisdom for your doctors, and that the hands of the Great Physician will enable a quick recovery.
Kristi says
October 27, 2015 at 8:32 amThanks so much Marcia! I really appreciate your encouragement and your prayers! Yes, this has been a hard surrender. I’m so blessing by your sweet words.
Blessings and joy,
Kristi
Rebekah says
October 27, 2015 at 8:12 pmKristi,
I listened to your Periscope this afternoon. I’ll be praying for you over the next few days.
My youngest is 21 months old, a daughter after having 4 boys.
You see, we did have a daughter, but she was stillborn at 39 weeks. That was six months before I got pregnant with my oldest son and after already having 2 miscarriages.
So, when my husband greatly encouraged me to consider a tubal ligation after finding out we were indeed having another girl, I was heartbroken and sad. Yet I knew his reasoning was sound. Pregnancy has been HARD on me. The postpartum depression has taken a toll on me physically and on our whole family. I haven’t been the same person since my third son was born, six years ago.
Yet still…
My momma’s heart longed to have that door open. I love those newborn moments, the nursing, the wonderful things. I don’t love the hard things.
So as I prayed over it all, I finally realized that I needed to submit to my husband’s leadership, and thereby, submit to God’s will for our family. I was peaceful for the most part.
I cried through that surgery though and couldn’t tell anyone the struggle of letting go of this dream of having more children, the possibility of having more than one daughter. (I LOVE my sons, but after losing a daughter, there is something extremely special about this little girl I actually get to love on every day!)
The nurse thought I was just emotional from the hormones, and I was, but it was so much more than that. As I laid there I knew had I to surrender my dream to the Lord, and trust Him for our future as a family.
I still have a hard time sometimes. I have to re-surrender…and keep asking for peace. It is hard to give up my dreams, yet I know and feel the wisdom of the decision we made and the peace of knowing that God is in control of all these things.
So all this to say that my heart understands your heart, and I will be praying for you. ((hugs))
Kristi says
October 27, 2015 at 9:11 pmThanks so much for sharing your story! I’m so sorry for your heart ache! Trusting and surrendering is so hard. There is so much logic in being done, but it’s just so final. I am tried of looking pregnant!
I’m so sorry for all of your losses! That is so tragic! I’ll be praying for you as you pray for me. For God to infuse our hearts with His peace and joy!
Blessings and joy,
Kristi
Kathy says
October 27, 2015 at 8:58 pmWill pray for you and your family about your surgery and after care. I just found you on Periscope after Crystal Paine mentioned you. I am really enjoying your smile and positivity. I am a homeschool mom of 3. God bless.
Kristi says
October 27, 2015 at 9:12 pmHow fun that you found me through Crystal! I love it! Thanks so much for praying for me! I need every prayer I can get! 🙂
Blessings and joy,
Kristi
Nikki says
October 28, 2015 at 8:32 pmI wrote this on your YouTube video because I’m not sure if you check that as often as you check your YouTube.
I’m 21 and haven’t had any but my mom has been dealing with fibroids throughout her life. A few years ago she did a uterine fibroid embolization and she’s a-okay now. Hers was the size of a grapefruit.
I know that it’s all about what’s best for you, but a hysterectomy sounds expensive and invasive.
Kristi says
October 28, 2015 at 10:14 pmThanks Nikki! I have explored every option. My fibroid is really big!! It’s at least the size of a cantaloupe. : The procedure is being totally covered because the size makes it medically necessary. Praying I will still be able to have the surgery laparoscopically. Thanks for your thoughts of offering more options. Trust me, this was NOT my favorite option!! I really wanted to be able to do something else.
Megan says
October 29, 2015 at 6:40 amHi, I’m new around here but I just wanted to comment about diastasis. I have 2 kids and had a diastasis after each one. There is a lot of information out there about it including how to check and see the extent of the separation and exercises to help your body heal. It is very important to avoid sit-ups and sit-up style movements as they will make it worse. I would recommend googling it and check out YouTube as there are informational videos there before deciding on surgery for diastasis.
God Bless!
Kristi says
October 29, 2015 at 9:14 amThanks for the tips! Yes, I’ve heard to avoid sit-ups. What is funny is that the general surgeon told me sit-ups were fine and recommended — & that she didn’t think my back going out had anything to do with my abdominal problem. Ha! Not going to EVER see her again! 🙂 Yes, after I heal from the hysterectomy I plan to see what I can do about my diastasis recti problem.
Lisa Maria says
October 29, 2015 at 6:54 amHello Kristi
I found you through Mandy Kelly and saw your first periscope broadcast yesterday. I came here to subscribe and saw your post. I knew I had to respond. You see I surrendered my womb to the Lord a long time ago and I know how hard it is to do. My circumstances are very different to yours but the principle is the same. Years ago I felt God convicting me to trust Him with my womb…basically this means that I stopped using birth control. I’ve had four c-sections, 6 pregnancies and 2 miscarriages and I live with the knowledge that, should I become pregnant again, it would be life-threatening. Yet I know I am being obedient in this. God has been faithful to protect me but I will admit it is a little scary. Recently, I had to face that fear when my period was late…by a good few weeks. I’m thinking now it was a test of faith (and possibly the blood moon 🙂 ) Anyway I just wanted to give you a little word of support…I know firsthand the peace He gives when we surrender to Him…even when the flesh struggles a bit. I will be praying for you. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be. God bless you!
Kristi says
October 29, 2015 at 9:18 amI’m so happy you found me! I love Mandy! She actually pre-read this post for me. She is such a sweet heart! Wow, you have quite a story. I’m so sorry for your miscarriages. I’ve had one — and potentially a few others. That’s how I discovered this fibroid. I went in because I thought I was miscarrying (no positive pregnancy test). I guess I’ll only know in heaven. Thanks so much for sharing! It really blesses me to know I’m not alone.
Blessings and joy,
Kristi
Karen says
October 30, 2015 at 4:18 amHi Kristi!
I met you at a mini homeschool conference at a church in Anaheim Hils, California, a couple months ago. Your take on homeschooling while being a wife and mother really impacted my life in a way that I desperately needed.
We have two boys and four girls (five of whom I gave birth to myself). I can relate to almost everything you’re going through. You see, five months months ago I went through a hysterectomy myself (just the uterus removed, ovaries left in to maintain hormone levels), and just 11 weeks ago I had the abdominal surgery to place mesh in my belly and correct the diastases recti that never had grown back together after all those children. I can tell you that it was a real struggle for me to give that up to the Lord, because I felt like my uterus was a sign of my femininity and my womanhood, and I somehow thought that my husband would see me differently. What I found out was that all of those were lies from the enemy himself! I went in for the hysterectomy, with a heavy heart somewhat, because I really still do want more children, but due to extreme pain and excessive bleeding my doctor really recommended that we get this hysterectomy done as soon as possible. I had already had every scan and x-ray and ultrasound that they could give me a try and diagnose the problem, but none of them were specific enough to create a solution. So we went forward with the hysterectomy (done laparoscopically), and what happened next was absolute proof that God is in control of every single detail of our lives (as if I needed another reminder, lol)! You see, whenever any person in our country has a surgery and something is removed from the body, federal law requires that it be biopsied-and so my uterus was. What they found during the biopsy was startling to myself and my doctor. It turned out that I had a condition called Adenomyosis. This particular condition can mask or hide issues within the uterus, and because it is a cousin of endometriosis, it can cause the uterus to adhere onto any nearby parts ( which in my case was my bladder). Anyway, what they ended up finding inside my uterus, buried between layers and layers of tissue from many pregnancies, was a single polyp…on the verge of metastasizing to my entire uterus as well as my bloodstream. Isn’t our God absolutely amazing?! He knew the exact moment that I was going to be needing this surgery, and He knew what doctor to send me to who would listen to me (my painful symptoms had started more than two years prior, and no doctor could figure out the problem, or even manage the pain). He knew exactly when I would need the surgery as well, because had I waited even one week more, the cancerous polyp would have metastized, and I would have been given only a year or so to live, even with treatment.
So, even though I was sad to not have such a special part of me anymore, God spoke to me clearly during my recovery. He reminded me of all the children in foster care who were waiting to be placed in temporary homes, desperately wishing and praying for a “forever home”. After that encounter with my Lord, it didn’t seem like a loss anymore, but rather something I gained! Because my husband and I have never struggled with infertility, foster children, adoption, and things like that have never really been in the forefront of our minds. (We have actually always had the opposite problem-trying to not get pregnant). We would talk about it occasionally over the years, but then I would become pregnant, and our focus changed as we began taking care of our new child. Now that I can no longer have any children through my own womb, my heart has a joyful anticipation of who else might join our family in the (far) future, because God has taken my focus off of me, and what I thought it was to be a woman, and has instead placed my focus squarely on the face of Jesus!
And now that I have had the second surgery to repair my abdomen (the diastasis recti separation), I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. I can feel God reassuring me along the way, directing my steps, and preparing me for the road ahead (without the health issues and concerns that had weighed me down before)!
Please forgive me for such a long post. I really just want you to know that you are not alone! When I was trying to work through all of my thoughts and feeling regarding these decisions, God reminded me that He is the Almighty, the Great Physician, our Abba Father, the ONLY One we can ever really place our trust and hope in. Be encouraged! God loves you so much, and even though one chapter of your life is drawing to a close, the next exciting adventure is right around the corner!!!
I will definitely be praying for you each day up to, through, and after your surgery. I can’t wait to hear all of the great “God stories” that will occur as a result of you submitting this part of you to the Lord. Your story is so incredibly powerful as it is. I can only imagine all the women you will be able to impact for Christ, due to this experience in your life!
In Christ’s Love,
Karen
Maree says
March 29, 2017 at 1:46 amWow, this encouraged me so much.Facing a very similar situation after 7 trouble free pregnancies and recently a surprise pregnancy and misscarriage at 47, now needing to make decisions never before about ending fertility and seeking the Lord in an almost opposite way.Thank you.
Misty says
November 2, 2015 at 3:38 amOh Kristi, hugs and prayers! I faced that decision a few months ago, and it is NOT an easy place to be. We ended up finding an alternative, but I know that someday we may be at that crossroads again.
Adoption is such a beautiful thing, and one that I think God lays on our hearts because we do know the beauty of being adopted through Him <3
I'll be praying for you Wednesday!
Kristi says
November 11, 2015 at 10:31 amThanks so much! I really appreciate all the prayers! They have been a blessing to me as I’m trying to recover. Yes, there are lots of other options out there. We just weighed them all and decided this was best for us. My doctor was concerned with the rate of growth of my fibroid. We are happy to report that the pathology came back benign. Yay!
Thanks again for praying!! — & the hugs! 🙂
Blessings and joy,
Kristi
Annette says
November 2, 2015 at 10:57 amHey Krisit,
Just wanted to let you know I will be praying for you! I found you on YouTube and loved your smile and the joy you share! I have not followed people’s blogs, but I signed up to follow you:) The articles I have read so far that you have shared have been so on target and a great help and encouragement to me! I want to encourage you also to keep your eyes on Jesus as you go through this surgery and recovery. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to pick out some scriptures to have on hand when you feel down after the surgery. There may not be many down days, but it’s always good to have God’s Word at the ready! And a song you may want to check out is “Blessings” by Laura Story. It has been a blessing to my family as we have faced challenging issues we don’t understand.
Kristi says
November 11, 2015 at 10:34 amThanks for the sweet advice and encouragement! I did write out Philippians 4 on some notecards before surgery. I’ve been meditating on those. I love the Blessings song by Laura Story. Thanks for your kind words, Annette! They are a blessing to me!
Blessings and joy,
Kristi
Angela says
November 3, 2015 at 9:44 amI’m just now seeing this. Sending love and prayers for a speedy recovery. ? Know that you are loved and surrounded by support. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. ?
Kristi says
November 11, 2015 at 10:32 amThanks so much!! Recovery is slow, but I have been surrounded by much love, prayers and help!
Blessings!!!
Catherine @ A Spirited Mind says
January 22, 2016 at 1:56 pmI saw this post after I listened to the podcast you did on Cultivating the Lovely. In late October, I unexpectedly had a hysterectomy after an unexpected early delivery, uterine rupture, and subsequent hemorrhage. I didn’t have any idea about it until I woke up in the ICU so I didn’t have time to prepare or think about the last period, last pregnancy, etc. At the time, it didn’t seem like a big deal since this was our fifth baby, but now that I’ve recovered a bit more I find it is hard to wrap my head around. Just today I was thinking about how I can’t really talk about the whole thing–my family is still traumatized by the near-death part and long hospital stay, and no one else seems to think a hysterectomy is a big deal. And yet I feel like it is! I appreciate your honesty about wrestling with this issue and the encouragement to think biblically about it. I’m glad that your surgery went well and that you’ve recovered at this point too!
Kristi says
January 22, 2016 at 2:31 pmWow! I’m so sorry! It is really hard. I feel like so many people are all saying how awesome it must be to not have a period anymore. Yes, that’s great, but not being about to have children anymore is the not-so-awesome part. I’m finding that now that I’m further in my recovery and not just focused on healing, it has been becoming more emotional for me. I don’t think I really had any other option based on the size of my fibroid (my chiropractor was right, it has helped my back not having it in there). However, it’s still hard looking at my little ones and desiring to have more. Adoption is an amazing option, so I’m still hopeful that God will work that into His plan. Thanks so much for commenting! Your comments blessed me! It’s nice to hear that I’m not alone in feeling emotional about it–with five kids. We are so truly blessed!! I know you know that, as do I, but it’s okay for us to grieve the loss of our fertility, too.
Blessings!!
Kristi
Angelica says
January 26, 2016 at 9:23 amAw, Kristi, your post touched me. As a mama of 3, and soon-to-be-4, we struggled with infertility at first. I have a neat story of how God blessed us with our first in a truly miraculous way (no IVF or meds and finding out we were pregnant through an ultrasound!). But also struggled with the “third baby” conversation. Then, when we found out #4 was coming, it was opposite – I wasn’t ready but hubby was excited! Funny how that all worked out. 😉 I have been having similar feelings of confusion and some grief even – as I think about what our next steps are after #4 is born in May. I have had c-sections with all of my children and the experience is harder and harder to recover from after each birth. I am considering a tubal ligation and it’s definitely NOT an easy choice. So glad your surgery went well, and praying for all these amazing women who’ve commented here.
Kristi says
February 2, 2016 at 6:11 pmThanks so much Angelica! Yes, it’s been emotional. I’m all healed up now, so I do get hit with feeling so sad about not being able to have more. But then I look at our five blessings! I know God can still grow our family in different ways. Praying for wisdom for you. A big congrats on baby #4!!! Very excited for you. Praying for a speedy recovery!! Thanks for your sweet comment!
Peggy says
February 7, 2016 at 9:39 amI just found your blog today! We also homeschool so I can’t wait to look around your site. Thank you for sharing your story. We just had our 8th baby in November and I had a tubal during my c-section. My husband was just really, really done. It has been very hard emotional because I would have loved to have had more children. I am asking for contentment and thankfulness for what the Lord has given us and I AM truly thankful. I guess there is a grieving period that some people go through. I feel like no one understands though because we do have a lot of children so I really don’t talk about it to anyone. This post made me feel like I wasn’t alone so thank you.
Kristi says
April 28, 2016 at 8:56 amI’m so glad you found encouragement with this post. I was so nervous about how it would be received. I feel so blessed to have my children, but I am also grieving knowing I’ll never be able to have any more children. Thanks for commenting! 🙂
Brenda says
April 27, 2016 at 8:36 pmI came across your youtube videos and website by God’s design. I homeschool, and looked around your posts, videos, blogs etc. But, the one that kept just convicting my heart so was the post on surrounding your uterus. It continually kept coming up but I never would read. I never read the entire blog until today. God knew I needed to read it but never did because it did not apply to me at the time. God knew I needed to read it though, because tomorrow I too will be surrendering my uterus to him. I have 3 children and I miscarried one, I’ve been so blessed with them. My story is long but I will try to shorten it up. I am BRAC2+ and I had to have a double mastectomy and I thought that was hard because of a cancer scare (but it wasn’t cancer). Now, I back with a fibroid lodged in my cervix and it has adhered itself shut. Boy, I’m am so struggling all the way around and your post has been inspirational. I see that other women too are struggling with the same choices, sadness and overall worry. God is my strength and rock but the emotional aspect can surely engulf you doesn’t it.
Boy is this hard! 🙁
With that said, I thank you for writing this and being so candid about your feelings and struggles.
Your friend in Christ.
Kristi says
April 28, 2016 at 9:38 amWow! I love that God used this post to encourage you!! You have been through a lot already. I’m so sorry to hear about your need for a hysterectomy. That’s crazy that the fibroid is lodged the way it is. Ugh! Praying for God to cover you with His peace. You are right, He is our Rock.
Blessings and joy,
Kristi
jess says
June 15, 2016 at 1:02 pmKristi-Late reply, I know. I know the outcome of your surgery has been great as I have been following you for sometime now. I have to say though, this post just made me cry. We are nearing the end of carrying babies, not so much by choice. I would continue to carry them as long as my body would allow. However, my dr. mentioned that during the c-section with my 3rd, my uterus was paper thin. I think the risks to myself far outway my desire to carry again. Although, it is a painful decision to make. We are still praying and waiting for the Lord’s direction in all of it. We are looking into fostering to adopt too and have been through the initial process at a foster care facility here in San Diego. It is a painful choice and I wanted you to know that this touched my heart. To know that I am not alone in that kind of mourning. Thanks again and I am SO incredibly glad that I came across this post.
Melinda Muir says
June 16, 2016 at 9:06 pmThank you so much this is something I’ve been experiencing for the last 12 years. We have adopted 2 children and are in the process of adopting 2 more. We have 2 bios too. It’s hard but when you realize that God has a plan the doors open wide and he will bless you more then you ever dreamed.
Hannah says
August 29, 2016 at 6:34 pmThank you thank you for this post…my heart has been searching for this. At the age of 31 I will sadly be having a hysterectomy on Oct 6th…I have 3 beautiful children and deep down I knew I wanted just one more. However after my Pap smear in June…precancerous cells were found which required a cone biopsy and revealed adenocarsinoma in situ…the rarest and most serious form of precancer. The only safe and complete treatment is hysterectomy. My doc however did say we could have one more …but my husband isn’t comfortable with the risk Involved. I have not accepted this reality yet as it just takes my breath away with sadness. Although at the same time I am so grateful for my very life and that this was caught in time. So many difficult emotions…this is the hardest season I’ve ever been through and I can hardly see the light. I really do want to submit to God and my husband with this but I’m fighting it. I’m so heart broken. It helps to hear that emotional recovery is possible.
Kristi says
August 31, 2016 at 11:55 pmYou sweet thing! My heart aches with you. It’s so hard. I’ll be praying for you. My doctor told me that my fibroid was growing too fast for her comfort and that she didn’t want us to keep putting it off. That helped me realize that I had to be a mom to my five children I’d been blessed with. I have moments still when I realize that I won’t physically be able to have more. However, I do find some comfort in knowing that if we do want to add to our family we can still do it through adoption. Prayers for you!!!
Jo Kristin says
April 24, 2017 at 3:02 pmIn the fall of 2016 I was diagnosed with endometrial hyperplasia, and was told by four doctors that I should have a hysterectomy. I had my surgery in February 2017. They took both ovaries, putting me in immediate menopause, because during the surgery, they found endometrial cancer. Although I am so thankful that they removed the cancer before it progressed to stage 2, I am heartbroken. I have been married for 10 years, and always believed that if I was patient, God would answer our prayer to have a baby. We are fully aware that a child may come into our family through foster care or adoption, I am grieving. I am struggling to see beyond this.
Kristi Clover says
April 24, 2017 at 4:40 pmI’m so sorry to hear about your loss. It is a loss and you are fully within your right to grieve your loss. It hurts. I’m so glad to hear that they found and removed the cancer before it progressed. My doctor was concerned that I might have cancer, too. My fibroid was growing faster than normal. I have a few friends who have suffered from infertility…some who will never be able to physically have children either. Again, I’m so sorry. I’m praying for you right now. Only God can heal this kind of ache. Blessings to you!